The Pain

I go for my last radiation treatment today. The pain is still there. Not as bad as before, but it's there. The Doc told me yesterday that radiation works slow, so I will continue to improve for 2-3 more weeks. The important part is that I am improving.

I am finding it hard to cope. This pain has gotten really hard to deal with. I try to keep a positive outlook everyday but dealing with the pain, her, the dog, the fucking g kids, I'm almost ready to crack. She has been alot better though, I must say. She has not complained about anything for the past 2-3 days. The dog is the dog. I feel bad about not wanting him anymore. It's not his fault. He loves me and will until he dies. That's what I am having a hard time with.

I am not interested in anything anymore. I know this is just a rut that I am in and brighter days are ahead. I hope they arrive soon.

I have decided I'm not gonna dump her just yet. I am going to talk with her though. From now on, it's all about me. That's it. This is my life. I am fighting for it. When it comes to my life, nothing else matters. Nothing. Period. I care about nothing other than my life. I do not want any stress from her in any way. I don't want to hear any complaints. I do not want anything to do with her worthless sons. The g kids can still visit. I don't care. But I don't want to be asked to do anything with them. If I feel like doing something, I will bring it up. I am going to tell her this and also tell her if she can not, will not accept this fact, to move out. She is causing me stress that is killing me. It's her choice. If it becomes a problem, I will end it with her and we will split up. I come first from now on.

I still like having her here sometimes. It is the pain that was doing the talking. I had very little pain yesterday and a couple hours that were pain free. Oh, that felt fantastic!!! At that time. I liked her here, so, I'm thinking it's the pain. I also do not want to be alone and she does help a little.

All last year I put up with some major shit from her and her worthless family. The fact that I had cancer was just that. A fact. I went to chemo, came home, dealt with her. That was it. I did not feel any different, just tired. Well, this pain has snapped my ass back into reality. I am going to concentrate on myself from now on. Nothing else. If she gets in the way, I'll loose her, simple as that. I don't care. If she gets mad at me, I'm not going to care. I am not keeping her here. She can leave at anytime.

I have become more resolute than ever. I am going to start to fight this harder. I have never more determined than I am now. I am young, strong, and have a very good support network behind me. I consider myself very fortunate that network is there, especially my job. I am never going to loose faith or give up.

NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!!!!  NEVER SURRENDER!!!!!!