Friday, September 13


The last treatment went good. The DOC told me that he thinks I may be on pain meds for the rest of my life now. Either a little or a lot. Man, that sucks. My pain has been better. The pills are doing their job.

I am going in to see the cancer DOC next week to probably start back up on chemo. I have been taking my daily chemo pill and that is working. I am hopeful the chemo will start to kill the cancer again and put it back to sleep. I am thinking if that happens my pain may go away. The reason I got the pain to begin with is that the cancer started to grow.

I been in a rut for awhile now. I have been very depressed. I have not and will not loose faith or stop fighting. I'm kinda feeling a little better today.

I have been watching these vids on you tube on Star Trek model ship building. I can not believe how detailed some of these guys make their models. I have always been interested in model cars and models in general. I think they're cool. The Star Trek ones that light up and stuff look awesome. I would love to have one of those to put on my shelf.....but don't have a couple grande to buy one built and I could never build one like that. What surprised me the most was that these guys use the regular model kits that are for sale at hobby shops and stuff. I thought they used special ones. There are special ones that are made just for high detail and lights, but the majority of them are just the regular ones. Hell I built one of the ones they use a long time ago when I was a kid. These guys are talented to say the least.

The Hot Wheel collection is coming along nicely. I picked up a few old ones on the bay last week that I remember having as a kid and have them up on display now. The lady is not disappointing. She has alot of them that she likes and where are they? In bags sitting on the couch in the living room. She gets some and there they go, into that bag to sit untouched.

I broke out a couple of my action figures and have them on display as well. I'm going to get more. They sell universal monster figures, The Mummy, Dracula, Frankenstien that look really cool and are cheap. I'm thinking of getting a few of those.

I'm done with vinyl, baseball cards and old video games. The vinyl I never listen to anymore, the baseball cards are too expensive as well as the old video games.

I have been getting really interested in Star Trek, maybe it's the Who knows. But I have a couple of the movies on DVD, I'm going to get them all and the seasons. I'm going to go unload my Beatle albums and trade them in for that when we go to the city next. I think this is the last time I am going to change what I collect......sheesh, I'm a hoarder, lol. I like looking at the Hot Wheels and action figures and plan on getting more old toys as well. The ones I used to have. I think that's gonna be awesome. I may start a Star Trek and Star Wars collection, I have a few Star Wars pieces already.

Wednesday, September 11

The Pain

I go for my last radiation treatment today. The pain is still there. Not as bad as before, but it's there. The Doc told me yesterday that radiation works slow, so I will continue to improve for 2-3 more weeks. The important part is that I am improving.

I am finding it hard to cope. This pain has gotten really hard to deal with. I try to keep a positive outlook everyday but dealing with the pain, her, the dog, the fucking g kids, I'm almost ready to crack. She has been alot better though, I must say. She has not complained about anything for the past 2-3 days. The dog is the dog. I feel bad about not wanting him anymore. It's not his fault. He loves me and will until he dies. That's what I am having a hard time with.

I am not interested in anything anymore. I know this is just a rut that I am in and brighter days are ahead. I hope they arrive soon.

I have decided I'm not gonna dump her just yet. I am going to talk with her though. From now on, it's all about me. That's it. This is my life. I am fighting for it. When it comes to my life, nothing else matters. Nothing. Period. I care about nothing other than my life. I do not want any stress from her in any way. I don't want to hear any complaints. I do not want anything to do with her worthless sons. The g kids can still visit. I don't care. But I don't want to be asked to do anything with them. If I feel like doing something, I will bring it up. I am going to tell her this and also tell her if she can not, will not accept this fact, to move out. She is causing me stress that is killing me. It's her choice. If it becomes a problem, I will end it with her and we will split up. I come first from now on.

I still like having her here sometimes. It is the pain that was doing the talking. I had very little pain yesterday and a couple hours that were pain free. Oh, that felt fantastic!!! At that time. I liked her here, so, I'm thinking it's the pain. I also do not want to be alone and she does help a little.

All last year I put up with some major shit from her and her worthless family. The fact that I had cancer was just that. A fact. I went to chemo, came home, dealt with her. That was it. I did not feel any different, just tired. Well, this pain has snapped my ass back into reality. I am going to concentrate on myself from now on. Nothing else. If she gets in the way, I'll loose her, simple as that. I don't care. If she gets mad at me, I'm not going to care. I am not keeping her here. She can leave at anytime.

I have become more resolute than ever. I am going to start to fight this harder. I have never more determined than I am now. I am young, strong, and have a very good support network behind me. I consider myself very fortunate that network is there, especially my job. I am never going to loose faith or give up.


Friday, September 6

Tension Growing

I'm finding that I am starting to despise her more everyday. I need to tell her. I am not being mean to her, but very distant. The dog as well. I want them both out of here ASAP.

I am not looking forward to the aftermath. I am not putting her out onto the street. I am going to help her get a place to live. Either it be here or up north. I am not abandoning her. It is going to take a month or so for me to get the cash in order to do that. So that means she is living here. To tell you the truth, I see nothing big that will change actually. I am going to ask her to stop calling me honey, hon, babe. She does that now and it is starting to bother me.

I am hopeful she remains here. I really do not feel up to taking a big trip like that up north, but am prepared to if that's what she wants. I have a feeling she will remain here. If she does I am telling her that we are not going to be friends. Period, I do not want any contact with her at all. But, on the other hand she has become very lazy since she met me. She may not want to take care of herself and may just try and make it work with her son up north. I know her son would want her close by again to mooch off of. I don't care where she goes. I just want her gone.

Tuesday, September 3

She's Scared

The woman knows something is going on. She has been kissing my ass for the last day or so. She's scared.

Good. It won't be a complete surprise then when I drop the bomb here in a little while. I would like to take her off to the side and scream in her face......YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELF YOU IDIOT!!!

I have been kissing her ass for years. I'm tired of it.

She has no family or friends that she can depend on or go to. That's not my fault. She has stayed with her son up north a few times and after a few day they have both been at each others throats. She does not get along with any of her family. That I think shows how difficult she is. Well, I don't give a fuck.

Don't get me wrong. I am not just going to kick her out onto the street. I still care about her a little bit. I just don't love her. I moved her ass out of scumtown, I will move her ass back if that is what she wants. I am going to give her everything in the house except what I have in the basement and the appliances. She can have the big TV, beds, frezzer, everything. I don't want any of the crap. Hell, I'm even thinking of giving her the Beer Meister. I don't need it any longer. I don't drink and am glad and thank the Lord I don't. I have never been happier. I am also going to give her the dog. I don't want him. He has been getting on my nerves as well.

A friend has told me that these kind of thoughts are common in cancer patients. I am shutting her and the dog out. I am not. I really miss my family. She is one reason why I have wanted to go up north had the cash and everything and just not went a couple of times. I do not want to deal with her lowlife family up there. She has practically made me alienate my family. Never again. My friends here do not like her as well, and these friends I am talking about are more like family. There are 2. I have been friends with one for more than 35 years and we both consider each other family. My other friend I have known for over 20 years and are close as well.

Well, she knows something is up. I am not going to break the news till probably next week sometime. She will probably continue to kiss my ass, I do not care. I want nothing from her and am not going to change my mind.

Monday, September 2

This Is It

I have decided. I am not putting up with her crap anymore. We are done. She does not know about this blog, or care I don't think. I have told her about it several times in the past, but she's not that internet savvy and has never been here. Part of me kinda wishes that she did visit this thing, but she never has. I don't care. Hell, maybe she has and just kept her fucking mouth shut, who knows. With her though, I think that would be impossible for her to not bitch, whine, complain...etc. about this blog and what I have written in it in the past.

I did a lot of soul searching and thinking today. I personally do not know how this is going to go, but, I hope she is an adult about it. I do not know when I am going the break the news to her, it is going to be soon.

She and her worthless family have become a detriment to my health, I am not going to allow this to go on any longer.

Saturday, August 31

Getting The Point

Screamed and yelled at the lady today. The shit is coming to a head. The fucking piles of crap she has stacked all over the fucking house are getting to me.

By our back door we have a little hallway and there is a door going downstairs. I came up from the basement today, the dog was there to meet me. We have a big dog and he was in he way, I told him to move. The area we were in is not that big and leaning against the wall is a lounge chair the lady has used once out on the deck. It has been leaning there since it started getting warm. I stubbed my toe on it and it hurt like hell.

I went the fuck off. The dog not moving, that fucking chair there for 3 months and only being used once, and the rest of all the crap piled in the kitchen just made me snap. I told her I wanted all the crap out or I would throw the fucking shit away. Get the crap out of the fucking kitchen. This fucking house is a dam obsticle course and I am sick of it all. She fired back....Oh, it's all about you, and I said dam fucking right. Get the shit taken care of or I'll do it.

Well, she has since got off her lazy ass and straightened out the kitchen. I hope this fucking chick has gotten the point. I am not putting up with her shit any longer. Period.

Got a hot wheels race track from the bay a few days ago. I forgot how much space those fuckers needed. The only room in this house that does not have any piles of her crap is my room in the basement. It's nice and open. The kid came down and asked if he could play with his track down here, I said hell no. This is my room. Nobodies crap is going into it. It's her dam fault this house is so fucking cluttered, go talk to her.

Well, I hope that has did some good. I am really getting sick of her and her whole deadbeat idiot family. I don't want anything bad to happen to any of them, or get hurt or anything, I'm just tired. I am looking forward to taking a break from her next month. I am going to insist she stay. For at least a week anyways. Nothing else.

Friday, August 30

Good Morning

Having my coffee/ice water. Just woke up. The pain is there today. I am out of 1 of my types of pain pills. The lower ones. A am supposed to take the big ones on schedule because they are timed release to set up a barrier for the pain. The lower ones are to be used every 6 hours to take care of the pain that breaks through that set barrier. Last week I was feeling so bad I took more than I was supposed to of the lower ones and my prescription can not be filled till Tuesday!!!! I am going to talk to the nurse today and see if something can be done. My pain is getting better by the way, I can not believe I tolerated worse last week.

I still can not sleep on my right side......this is getting on my nerves and laying on my back for the treatments still kills me. I think I have 6-8 more treatments to go. Don't know if I have gone halfway yet. I hope not. I was hopeful at halfway I would be pain free. We will see. Also these dam pain pills cause constipation......damn. That makes this pain worse as well. Boy I can not wait for this issue to pass. I am also going to ask the doc if this will come back. I am almost sure it will if the cancer keeps growing, I would just like to know how much relief I can look forward to. But, I am going back on the chemo drugs that killed the cancer and made it shrink last time when these treatments are over I think. I am also taking stronger tumeric, concentrated in a pill form and black seed oil pills that have been proven to prevent the spread and kill cancer cells.

I don't know about those 2. It can't hurt, but I have no idea if they will work or not. Steve Jobs was a very dedicated naturalist. He used natural supplements and other things to treat his cancer. It still got him. My cousin advised me of another natural supplement that shows promise. Hemp oil, but that is very expensive and illegal here still. I am willing to try anything. I have heard that a person can live without their pancreas but have not done any indepth research on how their quality of life would be.

After dealing with this pain for so long, I can now understand how important quality of life is. If I were to be told that there is nothing that can be done about my pain and I would have to live with it till the end. I think I would look for options of going out. I would not be able to/want to live the rest of my life like that. Don't get me wrong. I am NOT giving up, I am NOT going to quit the fight, I AM still very faithful and I AM very strong. The first year I had this beast on the ropes, it has since fought back a little. I am on top of this mutha and will not let up.

With the support of my family, all my friends and help from the Good Lord above. I will beat this thing.

NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  NEVER SURRENDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh another thing. I'm so pissed. I have been smoking a lot more since I started getting this pain. The cigs help me cope. The lady don't know and as far as I'm concerned she ain't gonna find out. I do not need to complicate my life any more than it is. If she were to find out, she would be constantly on my back about it and then I would end up tossing her. Don't want to do that, but if it happens, it happens.

Later All