Late Night

Can't sleep. I really need to. I have to take the lady to the city in the morning for an appt. and then later do my chemo. I got a busy day tomorrow.

These meds are really starting to mess with my taste buds. I'm scared to eat, thinking when I do it's going to taste like total crap. This is torture to a guy that loves food as much as me.

So far it seems the only things affected are pizza, but, when eating there are some things that leave a little after taste. That is why I am scared to eat. I mean the after taste is horrible. If it's strong enough it makes me gag, and I feel like I'm going to puke. Just thinking about it now is making me feel kinda nauseous. But, if that is the price I must pay to beat this beast, so be it.

I love salads. That is the only thing so far that leaves no after taste what so ever. I have been eating alot of salads. When we go out to the buffetts, the salad bar is what I look most forward too.

I go in for chemo tomorrow. I am hoping I run into the doc, I want to ask him when my next scan will be. According to what he told me a couple weeks ago, I should be getting a scan next week. I pray that these chemo drugs are still working. I know they are. I can feel it. I still am taking tumeric daily, just not as much.

The swelling in my leg is completely gone now. Getting these blood clots is scaring me. I have to be very careful. I don't know if it's the cancer or the meds causing them. I'm thinking the cancer, because, a clot is what started all of this. I thank the lord up above for that clot.

Well Halloween is almost here. It don't feel like it. I'm kinda down. Working from home is starting to become a real pain. I hate it. Then, every time I walk upstairs I glance out at the pool and that pisses me off. That thing is more trouble than what it is worth. I'm going close that dam thing this year and probably wont even open it next year. It was only used 3 times this summer. It's got a boatload of leaves in it now, I'm going to have to clean them out before I close it.

These kids are really starting to get to me. I'm trying very hard to remain calm and easy going, but it's getting really rough. I think everyday, why are these kids here? It's not my fault their parents are idiots. Why is it falling on me to give them a stable home? They are not my kids. I know the good thing to do would be continue providing the home, and insure that they are safe. I don't want to see these kids get hurt, but they are not my responsibility either.

The lord has a plan. Maybe he sent that clot down on me, to get my ass into the doctor so I could be treated in time to beat the monster, so I would be around to make sure the kids get taken care of right, who knows. I do know that the way I was living my life before I got diagnosed was less than spectacular. I was wasting my life. I have a better outlook on life now, and cherish it. I'm not going to kick the kids or my lady out. I'll deal with it, I'm an adult. The lord wants me around for a reason. I ain't going anywhere, neither are the kids and my wife.

NEVER GIVE UP!!!!! NEVER SURRENDER!!!!!!!