Pills

The last treatment went good. The DOC told me that he thinks I may be on pain meds for the rest of my life now. Either a little or a lot. Man, that sucks. My pain has been better. The pills are doing their job.

I am going in to see the cancer DOC next week to probably start back up on chemo. I have been taking my daily chemo pill and that is working. I am hopeful the chemo will start to kill the cancer again and put it back to sleep. I am thinking if that happens my pain may go away. The reason I got the pain to begin with is that the cancer started to grow.

I been in a rut for awhile now. I have been very depressed. I have not and will not loose faith or stop fighting. I'm kinda feeling a little better today.

I have been watching these vids on you tube on Star Trek model ship building. I can not believe how detailed some of these guys make their models. I have always been interested in model cars and models in general. I think they're cool. The Star Trek ones that light up and stuff look awesome. I would love to have one of those to put on my shelf.....but don't have a couple grande to buy one built and I could never build one like that. What surprised me the most was that these guys use the regular model kits that are for sale at hobby shops and stuff. I thought they used special ones. There are special ones that are made just for high detail and lights, but the majority of them are just the regular ones. Hell I built one of the ones they use a long time ago when I was a kid. These guys are talented to say the least.

The Hot Wheel collection is coming along nicely. I picked up a few old ones on the bay last week that I remember having as a kid and have them up on display now. The lady is not disappointing. She has alot of them that she likes and where are they? In bags sitting on the couch in the living room. She gets some and there they go, into that bag to sit untouched.

I broke out a couple of my action figures and have them on display as well. I'm going to get more. They sell universal monster figures, The Mummy, Dracula, Frankenstien that look really cool and are cheap. I'm thinking of getting a few of those.

I'm done with vinyl, baseball cards and old video games. The vinyl I never listen to anymore, the baseball cards are too expensive as well as the old video games.

I have been getting really interested in Star Trek, maybe it's the models....lol. Who knows. But I have a couple of the movies on DVD, I'm going to get them all and the seasons. I'm going to go unload my Beatle albums and trade them in for that when we go to the city next. I think this is the last time I am going to change what I collect......sheesh, I'm a hoarder, lol. I like looking at the Hot Wheels and action figures and plan on getting more old toys as well. The ones I used to have. I think that's gonna be awesome. I may start a Star Trek and Star Wars collection, I have a few Star Wars pieces already.

The Pain

I go for my last radiation treatment today. The pain is still there. Not as bad as before, but it's there. The Doc told me yesterday that radiation works slow, so I will continue to improve for 2-3 more weeks. The important part is that I am improving.

I am finding it hard to cope. This pain has gotten really hard to deal with. I try to keep a positive outlook everyday but dealing with the pain, her, the dog, the fucking g kids, I'm almost ready to crack. She has been alot better though, I must say. She has not complained about anything for the past 2-3 days. The dog is the dog. I feel bad about not wanting him anymore. It's not his fault. He loves me and will until he dies. That's what I am having a hard time with.

I am not interested in anything anymore. I know this is just a rut that I am in and brighter days are ahead. I hope they arrive soon.

I have decided I'm not gonna dump her just yet. I am going to talk with her though. From now on, it's all about me. That's it. This is my life. I am fighting for it. When it comes to my life, nothing else matters. Nothing. Period. I care about nothing other than my life. I do not want any stress from her in any way. I don't want to hear any complaints. I do not want anything to do with her worthless sons. The g kids can still visit. I don't care. But I don't want to be asked to do anything with them. If I feel like doing something, I will bring it up. I am going to tell her this and also tell her if she can not, will not accept this fact, to move out. She is causing me stress that is killing me. It's her choice. If it becomes a problem, I will end it with her and we will split up. I come first from now on.

I still like having her here sometimes. It is the pain that was doing the talking. I had very little pain yesterday and a couple hours that were pain free. Oh, that felt fantastic!!! At that time. I liked her here, so, I'm thinking it's the pain. I also do not want to be alone and she does help a little.

All last year I put up with some major shit from her and her worthless family. The fact that I had cancer was just that. A fact. I went to chemo, came home, dealt with her. That was it. I did not feel any different, just tired. Well, this pain has snapped my ass back into reality. I am going to concentrate on myself from now on. Nothing else. If she gets in the way, I'll loose her, simple as that. I don't care. If she gets mad at me, I'm not going to care. I am not keeping her here. She can leave at anytime.

I have become more resolute than ever. I am going to start to fight this harder. I have never more determined than I am now. I am young, strong, and have a very good support network behind me. I consider myself very fortunate that network is there, especially my job. I am never going to loose faith or give up.

NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!!!!  NEVER SURRENDER!!!!!!

Tension Growing

I'm finding that I am starting to despise her more everyday. I need to tell her. I am not being mean to her, but very distant. The dog as well. I want them both out of here ASAP.

I am not looking forward to the aftermath. I am not putting her out onto the street. I am going to help her get a place to live. Either it be here or up north. I am not abandoning her. It is going to take a month or so for me to get the cash in order to do that. So that means she is living here. To tell you the truth, I see nothing big that will change actually. I am going to ask her to stop calling me honey, hon, babe. She does that now and it is starting to bother me.

I am hopeful she remains here. I really do not feel up to taking a big trip like that up north, but am prepared to if that's what she wants. I have a feeling she will remain here. If she does I am telling her that we are not going to be friends. Period, I do not want any contact with her at all. But, on the other hand she has become very lazy since she met me. She may not want to take care of herself and may just try and make it work with her son up north. I know her son would want her close by again to mooch off of. I don't care where she goes. I just want her gone.

She's Scared

The woman knows something is going on. She has been kissing my ass for the last day or so. She's scared.

Good. It won't be a complete surprise then when I drop the bomb here in a little while. I would like to take her off to the side and scream in her face......YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELF YOU IDIOT!!!

I have been kissing her ass for years. I'm tired of it.

She has no family or friends that she can depend on or go to. That's not my fault. She has stayed with her son up north a few times and after a few day they have both been at each others throats. She does not get along with any of her family. That I think shows how difficult she is. Well, I don't give a fuck.

Don't get me wrong. I am not just going to kick her out onto the street. I still care about her a little bit. I just don't love her. I moved her ass out of scumtown, I will move her ass back if that is what she wants. I am going to give her everything in the house except what I have in the basement and the appliances. She can have the big TV, beds, frezzer, everything. I don't want any of the crap. Hell, I'm even thinking of giving her the Beer Meister. I don't need it any longer. I don't drink and am glad and thank the Lord I don't. I have never been happier. I am also going to give her the dog. I don't want him. He has been getting on my nerves as well.

A friend has told me that these kind of thoughts are common in cancer patients. I am shutting her and the dog out. I am not. I really miss my family. She is one reason why I have wanted to go up north had the cash and everything and just not went a couple of times. I do not want to deal with her lowlife family up there. She has practically made me alienate my family. Never again. My friends here do not like her as well, and these friends I am talking about are more like family. There are 2. I have been friends with one for more than 35 years and we both consider each other family. My other friend I have known for over 20 years and are close as well.

Well, she knows something is up. I am not going to break the news till probably next week sometime. She will probably continue to kiss my ass, I do not care. I want nothing from her and am not going to change my mind.

This Is It

I have decided. I am not putting up with her crap anymore. We are done. She does not know about this blog, or care I don't think. I have told her about it several times in the past, but she's not that internet savvy and has never been here. Part of me kinda wishes that she did visit this thing, but she never has. I don't care. Hell, maybe she has and just kept her fucking mouth shut, who knows. With her though, I think that would be impossible for her to not bitch, whine, complain...etc. about this blog and what I have written in it in the past.

I did a lot of soul searching and thinking today. I personally do not know how this is going to go, but, I hope she is an adult about it. I do not know when I am going the break the news to her, it is going to be soon.

She and her worthless family have become a detriment to my health, I am not going to allow this to go on any longer.

Getting The Point

Screamed and yelled at the lady today. The shit is coming to a head. The fucking piles of crap she has stacked all over the fucking house are getting to me.

By our back door we have a little hallway and there is a door going downstairs. I came up from the basement today, the dog was there to meet me. We have a big dog and he was in he way, I told him to move. The area we were in is not that big and leaning against the wall is a lounge chair the lady has used once out on the deck. It has been leaning there since it started getting warm. I stubbed my toe on it and it hurt like hell.

I went the fuck off. The dog not moving, that fucking chair there for 3 months and only being used once, and the rest of all the crap piled in the kitchen just made me snap. I told her I wanted all the crap out or I would throw the fucking shit away. Get the crap out of the fucking kitchen. This fucking house is a dam obsticle course and I am sick of it all. She fired back....Oh, it's all about you, and I said dam fucking right. Get the shit taken care of or I'll do it.

Well, she has since got off her lazy ass and straightened out the kitchen. I hope this fucking chick has gotten the point. I am not putting up with her shit any longer. Period.

Got a hot wheels race track from the bay a few days ago. I forgot how much space those fuckers needed. The only room in this house that does not have any piles of her crap is my room in the basement. It's nice and open. The kid came down and asked if he could play with his track down here, I said hell no. This is my room. Nobodies crap is going into it. It's her dam fault this house is so fucking cluttered, go talk to her.

Well, I hope that has did some good. I am really getting sick of her and her whole deadbeat idiot family. I don't want anything bad to happen to any of them, or get hurt or anything, I'm just tired. I am looking forward to taking a break from her next month. I am going to insist she stay. For at least a week anyways. Nothing else.

Good Morning

Having my coffee/ice water. Just woke up. The pain is there today. I am out of 1 of my types of pain pills. The lower ones. A am supposed to take the big ones on schedule because they are timed release to set up a barrier for the pain. The lower ones are to be used every 6 hours to take care of the pain that breaks through that set barrier. Last week I was feeling so bad I took more than I was supposed to of the lower ones and my prescription can not be filled till Tuesday!!!! I am going to talk to the nurse today and see if something can be done. My pain is getting better by the way, I can not believe I tolerated worse last week.

I still can not sleep on my right side......this is getting on my nerves and laying on my back for the treatments still kills me. I think I have 6-8 more treatments to go. Don't know if I have gone halfway yet. I hope not. I was hopeful at halfway I would be pain free. We will see. Also these dam pain pills cause constipation......damn. That makes this pain worse as well. Boy I can not wait for this issue to pass. I am also going to ask the doc if this will come back. I am almost sure it will if the cancer keeps growing, I would just like to know how much relief I can look forward to. But, I am going back on the chemo drugs that killed the cancer and made it shrink last time when these treatments are over I think. I am also taking stronger tumeric, concentrated in a pill form and black seed oil pills that have been proven to prevent the spread and kill cancer cells.

I don't know about those 2. It can't hurt, but I have no idea if they will work or not. Steve Jobs was a very dedicated naturalist. He used natural supplements and other things to treat his cancer. It still got him. My cousin advised me of another natural supplement that shows promise. Hemp oil, but that is very expensive and illegal here still. I am willing to try anything. I have heard that a person can live without their pancreas but have not done any indepth research on how their quality of life would be.

After dealing with this pain for so long, I can now understand how important quality of life is. If I were to be told that there is nothing that can be done about my pain and I would have to live with it till the end. I think I would look for options of going out. I would not be able to/want to live the rest of my life like that. Don't get me wrong. I am NOT giving up, I am NOT going to quit the fight, I AM still very faithful and I AM very strong. The first year I had this beast on the ropes, it has since fought back a little. I am on top of this mutha and will not let up.

With the support of my family, all my friends and help from the Good Lord above. I will beat this thing.

NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  NEVER SURRENDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh another thing. I'm so pissed. I have been smoking a lot more since I started getting this pain. The cigs help me cope. The lady don't know and as far as I'm concerned she ain't gonna find out. I do not need to complicate my life any more than it is. If she were to find out, she would be constantly on my back about it and then I would end up tossing her. Don't want to do that, but if it happens, it happens.

Later All

Doing Good

Deleted what I had here.

Feeling better

I am feeling very better today. Today was a good day. I went in for radiation treatment and they gave me another unit of blood. This time I insisted they put me in a room with a bed. That worked out very well. While they were giving me blood I was able to lay down and take a nap. I still can't sit in a recliner, that causes pain. I have to either lay on my left side, or sit up. Laying on the table doing the radiation hurt like hell, I have to lay on my back for that. I am very hopeful that goes away too.

Well, here we go again. I'm not dumping my girl. We talked tonight. I did not let her know how close I was but, we talked. This pain that I been having has really fucked with my head. I still feel I need a break from her. Hell, we have been together 24x7 constantly for almost 1 1/2 years. That would put any relationship to the test. I am just not going to take her complaints with a grain of salt anymore, if she complains, I'm gonna fire right back, rudely if need be. She is causing me way too much stress. I need to stop her from doing that pronto.

I'm feeling normal right now. This is the best I have felt in about a month. I have lost a lot of weight due to this. I am down to 264. That is the less I have weighed in a very long time. I am hoping next week at this time I have regained my appetite.  Today is the first day in about month that I have ate 3 meals. So I hope that continues. I ain't going anywhere.


NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!!!  NEVER SURRENDER!!!!!!!

Mistake

I am beginning to realize my mistake. I never should have moved that stupid chick out of scumtown. Now, my primary goal is going to be to get her ass out of here and get her ass back there where she belongs. I am sick and tired of dealing with her. I know I have been saying that in this blog since the beginning. I usually get pissed at something.....rant about it on here and get over it in a few days. This time is different. It has been a few days since she initially pissed me off, I.m not over. Far from it, I'm worse actually.

I said earlier that all I was waiting for was a reason....well, I almost have it. I have spoken with my boss and my folks. I can work from up there. My mother wants to come and get me. She thinks the lady ain't doing enough or good enough job taking care of me. She's right.

This chick I'm with has constantly been getting dumber. Some of the shit she asks me to do for her is so fucking normal and menial, it's makes me want to ask.....what the fuck did you do before you met me?

She maybe just lazy. It would not surprise me, both her fucking sons are.

I'm tired of dealing with this stupid bitch. I'm done. I'm dumping her this weekend.

I ain't dumping my lady

Had my radiation treatment today. It felt good. I have a little pain right now, but nothing compared to this last weekend. I also found out why I been feeling so shitty the past few days. My blood count is very very low. The doc is probably going to give me blood tomorrow.

I have been sleeping all day. Going back to bed when I get done with this. I ain't dumping my lady. That was the pain talking. Her sons on the other hand can go to hell as far as I'm concerned.

My Girlfriends Worthless Sons

Well, It's time for another rant about how fucking worthless my girlfriends sons are. I'm calling her my girlfriend and not my wife at this time because I am actually getting real sick of her and her brood. I'm thinking about cutting the ties.

They are all from scumtown, I'm from scumtown and am ashamed of it. The reason I call this place scumtown is, that's all that live in it. Lazy scum, period. I would say 95% of the population of that town and area are on welfare and collecting state aid. My parents and my family never did as far as I know. My dad always worked.

Anyways, she has one son that lives up there and one son that lives down here. The one down here is currently in jail and to tell you the truth, that's a good place for him. He never has supported himself, never. He had his mom support him, then found a girlfriend that worked to support him and ended up marrying her.
 The guy is in his mid 30's and has never had a drivers license. The one up north at least has that, but that's about it. He is doing the same thing. Having his girlfriend work while he sits at home on his ass. Since I have been with my girl his girlfriend has always had a job, he has had at least 20. He gets the job, works for a couple weeks, then gets canned. It's always somebody elses fault. Fuk that, he's a lazy fucking good for nothing worthless bum.

Both of my girlfriends sons are doing this. Letting women support them. I'm getting really really tired of dealing with the scum too. I'm at the point right now to just h\ask my lady to leave. I don't want her here any longer. I certainly do not need her here. I can take care of myself.

I'm just looking/waiting for an excuse. She, her sons, whatever pisses me off....it's over.

There is not one good thing I can say about her worthless sons. Not one. They are both idiots. They can not even join the military now. I don't even think they are worth taking a bullet for this country.

The lady is getting on my nerves really bad as well. She stacks things. She bitches she wants something......goes on and on about it. She gets it and then piles it in a corner somewhere, never to be touched again. Our fucking kitchen is turning into a dam obstacle course. I told her that the upstairs is hers. It is. But if she don't start to clean up her fucking piles, there are about 7-8 of them through out the house. I'm fucking throwing the shit out. I moved this chick out of scumtown. I am starting to think I never should have.

I can sell this fucking house, get a cheap appartment and enjoy the rest of my life. I know I will make a profit on this place. 1. I got it at a pretty good price. 2. Have since made a bum\nch of improvements, especially fenced in the backyard. That alone added 5-6 grand onto it. 3. The place is only 10 years old.

Getting back to her worthless sons. I can not understand how the two scum bums can live with themselves. Letting a women support them? Shit. I know they both have no pride, they must not. I have told both of them exactly what I think of them, so they know never to ask me for anything. I was taught at a very young age a man takes care of his own. A man takes care of his family. If he can not care for a family, he does not start one. Period. It's the mans job to support the family. Her 2 sons are pitiful wussbags. They both have different fathers. The fact that they both turned out the same leads me to believe the fathers aint worth a shit either. The apple does not fall far from the tree. I would love to meet these 2 clowns. I would bitch slap the both of them.

I ain't gonna dump my girlfriend over her 2 sons. Ain't gonna dump her at all. I am however not going to be as easy to live with. I am not going to be the all caring, compassionate, thoughtful guy anymore. I'm gonna start to focus more on myself. I feel I deserve it.

*******************************UPDATE **************************
Well It's been a few days since that post above. I wanted to add a bit to it. I don't think my girlfriends sons got their lazyness from their fathers. I think it may have been passed onto them from the worthless mom. I have been noticing a few things the past days that I should have noticed a long time ago, but was blinded by compassion and pity I suppose. My girl is fucking lazy. All she does all day is sit on her ass and watch TV. Granted she may be in pain, but hell. All fucking day? Everyday? She don't even get dressed some days. Stays in her pajammas.

She is really getting on my nerves. We ARE going up north next month. She is going to stay a week or 2. I need a break. If she does not agree. I am going to refuse to bring her back. I'm done with this shit.

I'm Back

My PC died. Had to get a new one. Alot has happened in the last few weeks.

Other than the PC going tits up, I got some bad news 3 weeks ago. For the last few weeks I have been getting this pain in my right side. It consistently got worse. My doc initially thought it was a muscle pull. Went back a week later and told him it was worse.  They took a CT scan. My cancer has woke up and started growing again. Not much, just a little bit, but it started growing.

That has been 3 weeks ago. The pain in my right side is due to a spot on my liver that is rubbing against my diaphragm and the sac containing my liver. I have been taking radiation treatments daily to shrink that spot and relieve the pain. I have had 3 treatments so far. It's helping. I'm not pain free yet, far from it, but I am improving. I have about 10 treatments to go and I am hopeful they work. I really like the radiation doc. He kinda looks like Dustin Hoffman and talks like a hippy. LOL. He's a very good doc I think.

Been taking my daily chemo pill, so I'm still fighting this beast and will continue. Basically I'm back at square one.....Oh well.

Me and the wife have started collecting hot wheel cars, lol. For a few years now I have been wanting to replace the ones I had as a kid. Now, I'm doing it. What surprised me though was how my wife has taken to it. She loves little cars. I never knew that. It's great. Finally something we can do together, both enjoy and is inexpensive. She is in charge of the unopened stuff....me, I open mine. I like to hold them, display them and hell, play with them....LOL. I got a track and we race sometimes.....It's great! She is more excited about them than I am I think....that's cool. Also the new ones look really, really cool. They are making more 70's muscle cars and the paint jobs on these little cars is amazing. I really like the ones of real cars, and the 70's vans. The 70's style vans are my favorites. Right now, my wife has more of them than I do.....LOL. I am going to collect the set, try to get every one. She is only buying the ones that she likes. I am not going to open the set ones. I have built a peg board in the basement that I hang them on, like at the store. I'm getting a camera soon as well so should have some pics up.

That's it. Besides the pain in my right side, I feel fine. That is being treated so I just gotta get by and hope the treatments get rid of it. I had heard cancer was a very painful disease. I never understood why. Now I do.

NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!!!  NEVER SURRENDER!!!!!!!

County Fair

Did the county fair tonight. Man, I'm beat. It was hotter than hell out there. The kid had a great time. It was the same drill this year. Paid 10 bucks to get in, he could ride all the rides he wanted to. They wanted 10 bucks for the baby too, if she was going to ride rides, I said screw that. She is only 1 so, she don't know what the hell is going on. Maybe in a couple years.

Had my corn dog. It sucked. Tried 1 from two different places. They both sucked. The demolition derby was crap. They only had 4 cars running and the track for them was about as big as my back yard. What a rip. Man, I'm glad I didn't have to pay extra to see that farce. I would have demanded my money back.

Walking around that fair really did me in. I was tired, hot and not in a very good mood. I put a smile on my face though for the kid and the lady. This was the little baby's first carnival. I think she had a fun time, as far as baby's go I guess. I did see a New York pizza stand, was gonna try that, but I was full.

Went and seen a regular family doc last week, I have Diabetes. He looked at my family history and told me it was only a matter of time. I was going to get it 100 % sooner or later. So, it's not the cancer that gave it to me. He told me the regular stuff, gotta loose weight, watch what I eat, no sugar drinks...... Well, I ain't been drinking sugar drinks for about 3 weeks now. Only a couple every now and then. I gotta take pills and check my blood sugar 3-4 times a week now. Oh well. He did say by blood pressure was excellent.

I think cutting out the regular soda will work in the weight dept. Don't know, we will see. Went to the flea market today too. Didn't find crap. I told the lady I wanted to be on the road by 9:30. I wanted to get there as they opened. Then I heard this lady saying that she had been there since 5, ha! Man, there ain't nothing at a dam flea market that I want bad enough that's gonna make me drag my ass out of bad at 5 to be there, screw that. I did see a guy selling a Genisis for 15 bucks with a few games. I would have got it but he didn't have any controllers. On the way to the flea market we past at least 5-6 yard sales. Should have stopped at those instead. I think next Sat, that's what we will do, screw that dam flea market. All they have is over priced junk.

Feeling ok tonight, normal. Tried to lay down and get some sleep, but I drank a diet Mt Dew a few hours ago.....didn't realize what I was doing, so I'm up now. Don't feel like working either. I should have tried that New York pizza stand. Crap.

NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!! NEVER SURRENDER!!!!!!

Blood Sugar Problem

I have a blood sugar problem. It's high. Went in last week after fasting and it was 250. The normal is around 100. I asked the Doc if I have Diabetes and he said No, but I'm on the way. He said I have to get my blood sugar under control. He asked me if I have a family doctor and I said no. Never had any use for one. I never had nothing wrong with me, besides a cold every now and then, it's when I got this cancer is when I came to see the Doc.

Well, he set me up with an appointment with a family Doc here in town. I guess he is going to treat me for my blood sugar. I have been drinking diet soda and sugar free drinks since last Tuesday. I really like diet Mt. Dew, as far as anything else I have tried Coke Zero and it's ok. Been kinda watching what I eat as well.  No more sugar cereal in the morning, been eating Special K. I love that stuff anyways with no sugar on it. The Doc also said I need to loose some weight, I'll talk that over with my regular cancer Doc first. I think just cutting out the sugar drinks is going to make me loose some pounds. I was drinking about 4-5 cans a day. Now I'm drinking diet soda and more ice water. I should cut the soda out all together, but I really like flavored drinks.

Found a few SNES carts at the Goodwill a few days ago and a few PS2 games.I think there is somebody else in this town collecting as well, Goodwill looked pretty picked over. Nothing but sports titles. Went to a few thrift stores today, nothing. I'm gonna have to hit the stores up in the city when we go. This little town really don't have that many thrift, Goodwills. We have 1 Goodwill and 2 thrift stores that I am aware of and 2 pawn shops. I hit one pawn shop the other day, they had alot of PS3 and PS2 titles along with X-Box and X-Box 360 but they wanted 5 bucks each. I ain't paying that for a game. Only if I really want it, or it's rare and I can flip it fast. Have not seen anything on Craigslist for video games in my town either. I may see if the lady wants to hit a few yard sales on Friday.

Well, the county fair starts tonight. We are not going tonight. It's the first night and I don't really feel like dealing with a large crowd. Besides, it's hotter than hell out there right now. I told the lady and the kid we would probably go tomorrow night or the day after. It's up to how the lady feels. We are going though, sooner or later. I gotta get my yearly fair corn dog. I missed out on it last year. The kid is pretty excited. If they follow the same plan like last year, we just pay a ten spot to get in each and the kid gets a hand stamp and can ride all the rides he wants, as many times as well. I wonder how much they are going to charge for the baby. I'm gonna fall over if they charge 10 for her....LOL.

The Chemo drugs are hitting me hard again. I slept most of the night Saturday night, all day Sunday, and all night Sunday night. I slept for 36 hours I think. Man I was tired. The only reason I got up today when I did is the lady came in and said a hose on the pool had sprung a leak and was spraying water into the air. Went out there and sure enough, it was spraying in the air...LOL. Boy, I'm glad I had an extra hose. That extra one had been here since we got the house, I had no idea if it had a hole in it or not. Swapped it out, no leaks. Sweet. I'm glad. I really didn't feel like going to get another one, let alone deal with the asshole that owns the local pool store. That's a story for another post.

Well, that's where I stand. I have a blood sugar problem, but I feel alright. Tired, but normal. I go see the family doc in a few days and I will find out what he wants me to do and how he's gong to treat me. I hope it's just taking pills. I really don't want to have to take daily shots again. I'm fighting and still here. Ready to do anything to beat this beast!

NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!!  NEVER SURRENDER!!!!!!!

Did Chemo Yesterday

The title says it. I went in. Wasn't too bad. Didn't take that long either. My regular Doc is on vacation. So I had another guy. Older. The nurse told me that he has been a cancer Doc for 30 years, so that's cool. He knows what he is doing.....I hope anyways.

They took my blood to test it, like they always do. They have to see if my platelet count is up enough for my treatment. Well, the Doc came in and said I have a problem with my blood sugar. It was way too high. He said a normal level is around 100, mine was 500!!!! Dam. I told him that I do drink alot of sugary drinks and he said that would affect my blood sugar big time. He wants me to come back in on Friday after I have fasted. Not eat or drank anything for awhile. This could be caused by the chemo drugs they are giving me as well he also told me. We will see.

So, I have not had any soda since. Been drinking ice water and diet powerade. I hate diet soda but now I have no choice. I do not want this blood sugar problem to get in the way of my treatment, so no sugar drinks no more. I think after a couple weeks I'll get used to diet soda and diet drinks, I'm not looking forward to those 2 weeks though. I love having an ice cold Coke with my food, especially pizza, oh well. That's part of getting older I guess. I just hope I continue to get older......LOL, if you know what I mean.

I feel ok. Normal I would say. I'm tired as hell, like always. I think my taste buds are normal, I did have a nasty taste when I had a couple pickles with my meal a couple days ago. I love having pickles with my meals. My dad does too, he got me started on it. If it's just pickles affected that's way cool. I can live with that. Gonna try and start eating a little more healthier, not that I don't eat healthy now. I think I do. I just skip meals. Like there are some days when I only eat one. Most of the time I usually eat 2 meals a day. This morning I had an orange powerade and water melon for breakfast. I sometimes eat cereal, some sugar kind and no sugar kind. I would say my favorite cereal would be Special K, I eat that alot with no sugar. I like Rice Chex too, also with no sugar. So I think I got breakfast covered. I think I will just cut down on carbs for the rest of my meals.

I did not mention this, but my X-Box broke awhile ago. It stopped reading discs. Well I got a real good deal on E-bay for a replacement a couple days ago. They were selling a working X-Box and all the cables for 9.99 with 13.00 bucks shipping. I found the auction with 1 hour left, no bids, so I watched it. I didn't bid. It got down to 2 minutes left, no bids so I bid 9.99. Thought twice about it and increased my bid to 17.00 bucks. 30 bucks for a working X-Box is still a deal. Well, I didn't really need to increase my bid, nobody else bid on it and I won. Cool. 24.00 bucks for an X-Box. That's a dam good deal. Got it in the mail yesterday, hooked it up......Gold! It worked. Awesome. I looked on the shipping label. The poor guy lost money on the deal. It cost him 24.87 to send it to me. Oh well. Now, I've learned this from buying these types of systems in the past. There is a pretty good chance that there might be a game inside. Opened it up and sure enough there was. Halo 2. Sweet. That's a popular game. I hate playing it, I don't like first person shooters. I'm pretty sure I could sell it for a couple bucks....hell I got it for free. Bonus!! Oh and BTW, this is an original X-Box I'm talking about. I don't do the new crap....it's way too expensive.

Well, that's what's going on in my neck of the woods. I'll know Friday if I have a blood sugar issue or not. I'm watching what I eat and drink these next couple days. I hope I don't I'll let you all know.

NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!!  NEVER SURRENDER!!!!!!

No Chemo This Week

Didn't do Chemo this week. Went in last Tuesday and they said my blood platelet count was too low. Their cut off is 50, mine were 43. Oh well. The Doc said that's why I have been so tired. I go in next Tuesday, I'll get my cancer drugs then. I been feeling normal. No pain anywhere or anything. Just tired as hell. Oh yeah, the taste buds are back!!!!! WooHoo!! Had a pizza the other night and it was great! Now just gotta go get a Big Mac to see how that tastes. I used to love Big Macs but since the taste bud crap, they have tasted like total shit to me. I hope it tastes good now and my tastes buds remain normal....I hope, I hope.

Didn't do anything for the 4th, It was raining and crappy out. I slept all day. Watched the few fireworks that the neighbors were lighting off. No biggie. That's one thing I can not understand. The lure of fireworks. Some people go apeshit over them. I just don't see it. I mean the big ones that cities usually shoot off. I called my mom last night, my dad loves watching fireworks. They were at the firework show up in scumtown and she said they had been there for 4 hours waiting. I said crap, really? What for? She said to get a good spot. There were thousands of people there to watch them. She feels the same as I do about fireworks. You seen one, you seen them all...eh. I don't even bother anymore.

I plan on going into the city today if the lady gets out of bed in time. I want to go to a certain pawn shop there that is supposed to have good deals on old video games. We will see. There is also a place I want to talk to about trading some of my vinyl for store credit. They carry old vinyl, used dvds, cds, and video games. Might trade some doubles or some of the ones I don't want for video games. Who knows. If they give me a good price.

Going to put one of my old video game systems in the kids room this weekend. He should like that. That poor kid ain't got nothin at home with his mother. All of his toys are here and his room is just big enough for the queen bed we have in there and a little walk way around one side. He ain't got room for crap. Me and the lady are going to have to get him a smaller bed so he has room for his toys and room to play and stuff. Him and his sister are here now as far as I'm concerned. This is their home. Period. If the mother wants to fight, she's gonna have a big fight on her hands. Gotta get a bed for the baby too. Right now she sleeps in a  little playpen in our bedroom. I told the lady that she is probably going to loose her computer room to the baby. She don't mind. She would much rather have the baby here than have a computer room I think.

I really like having the kids here. They bring a breath of life into the house that comforts me. I like watching the little baby and the way her eyes light up when she discovers something new. That makes me feel really good. I'm starting to love them both. Especially the little baby. It brings a tear to my eye sometimes when I get up and walk into the living room, she looks at me and is excited to see me and runs over and says "papa" and wants me to pick her up. I love it when she does that. 

I really don't think we are going to have a problem with the mother. She had been putting the kids in daycare while she was working when the 9yr old had school. He got out for summer vacation and we have had them since. When vacation started the mother said that the baby had to go to daycare at least 1 day a week because she did not want to loose her spot at that daycare. I understood, a good close daycare is hard to find. We said cool, no problem. The first week the lady took the baby down there on a Monday no problem. The next week I took the baby. The guy at the desk said that I could not leave her and there was a problem. I said oh yeah? He then told me that they had not been paid in over 2 months. The mother owed them over 200 bucks. I said Ha, that don't surprise me. I told the guy that I would have my wife tell the mother, and she didn't really need day care to begin with. The kids are always welcome with us. Well the lady called the mother, told her the news.....ain't heard nothing back from the mother. That was over a month ago. She has not even called to talk/check on her kids. Do you believe that crap. Well, the kids are loved and being cared for by us. It's going to stay that way.

Well, that's it. LOL, not much going on here. Feeling good and fighting. I'm always gonna fight. I am never going to give up fighting this disease.

NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!!   NEVER SURRENDER!!!!!!

Doing Fine

Been awhile since my last post. I have been doing ok actually. Started new Chemo drugs last week and there have been no problems. Actually I think these drugs are not screwing with my taste buds as things have been tasting alot better to me. Especially soda. I'm not getting any after taste when I drink a soda now. I have not tried a pizza yet, really ain't been in the mood for one. Probably will next week.

I go in for Chemo today, just waiting for that time to come. I was right in my last post, these Chemo drugs do not take as long as the others I was on to administer, and NO PUMP!!!!! WooHooo!!!

Like I said I'm doing ok. No pain anywhere, I feel normal. I have been doing alot of sleeping the past 2 days. I think I have slept 2 days straight. Only up to eat something then back to bed. The Doc said these new drugs would hit 2x in the blood count dept. My counts go down, I get tired. There is nothing that can be done. That's ok with me. When I work I drink coffee and Mountain Dew, that's how I stay awake, lol. Also chatting with the guys in the office when they are on.

Well, I have the basement how I want it now. Just need to get one more shelf. I have my baseball cards in their place, my records in their place, comic books and non-sports cards in their place as well. I just need to break out my video game systems and hook those up and it will be complete. Picked up a couple nintendo carts at Goodwill a few days ago, I'm gonna have to get off of my lazy ass and start going to yard sales again. Not for baseball cards and comic books, but yard sales are a great place to find records and video games. I still collect all of that stuff, I just do not look for the stuff on ebay, I still look on ebay for video games though. The 127 sale is coming up next month. I hoping to score some good video games finds during that.

The other half of the basement I gave the lady is in total chaos. I have finally figured her out. She's a stacker. She has all these little piles of crap all over the house. The basement is no different. She bitched at me for a whole month how she wanted another shelf down there. Well 3 weeks ago I went out and got her one and told her I would put it together whenever she wanted. The shelf is sitting exactly where I put it when I got it home. I have not touched it, and the lady has not bitched about a shelf either. Man, that burns me. Now I know the lady ain't never gonna be fucking happy unless she is bitching about something. I think most wives are like that actually. I have been spending alot of time down here in the basement. It's peaceful down here. I tell the lady I don't want to be bothered, and that's it. They leave me the fuck alone. It's not that I'm in a bad mood, or pissed off at them or anything, I'm just getting tired of dealing with the kids. I like having them here, and they are going to stay here, it's just sometimes I need my time. I don't know how the lady does it. She has not had anytime to herself since they have been here. That 9 yr old is constantly on her ass. He's a little mamas boy. I have tried to be tough on him but the lady don't like it. She has turned him into a little wuss. He's gonna have problems when he gets older being a little femie wuss like he is. Oh well, I tried. If he gets his ass kicked and wants me to teach him how to fight, I will. I tried to teach him awhile ago and the lady didn't want me too. I'm just glad he's living with us and not his mother. His mother lives in the scum part of town and with him being there it would be only a matter of time till he starts hanging out with the wrong crowd. His mom's a fucking skank and she belongs there, he don't.

Well, nothing much else going on. It's been pretty quiet actually. Feeling normal and doing alot of sleeping...LOL.

NEVER GIVE UP!!!!! NEVER SURRENDER!!!!!!

CT Scan Results

Got my results yesterday. No new cancer anywhere, no growth anywhere. The cancer is just hanging out. I can live with that. That's great news considering the cancer that I got. The Doc is real happy with my progress and I am relieved. I also gained some weight....woohoo. 8 lbs. I know it's not alot, but it's a start. For the last month and a half everytime I went in it showed a loss. Not this time!!!!

I gotta go get the dog his medicine today, he's starting to get that yeast infection again. The lady says he is starting to stink, I can't smell him yet so I'm gonna get that crap before he gets any worse. Last time it was real bad....I could barely stand it. I was seriously thinking of getting rid of him, I know that sounds bad, but the stench was almost unbearable. It was bad. I have no idea whats causing him to get this crap, the VET don't either. He says the dog is allergic to something, I have been giving him allergy relief pills daily. My dog is a real good dog. We don't have to put the pills in any food or anything, I just put the pill in my hand he comes and licks it up. I love him very much. He's a great dog, I could not have asked for a better one.

The DOC said he is changing my chemo drugs again. Keep this cancer guessing. The good thing is..... NO PUMP!!!!! Yeah!!! I won't have to lug that thing around anymore....woohooo!! I think the treatments will not take as long either. To tell you all the truth, I kinda liked my 6-8 hour treatments every other week. It got me away from the lady, she is really starting to get on my nerves, I think I'm getting on hers as well. We need a break from each other now that I don't go to work. In the past 2 weeks I have almost gotten to the point of just asking her to leave. But, I was just really pissed. I did not tell her anything, just steamed in the basement. I got over it, I love her, I don't want her to leave.......well....maybe for a week, LOL. I tend to fly off of the handle at times....I didn't this time. I kept my mouth shut. To tell you the truth, I would not know what to do if I was alone. I'm glad she and the kids are here.

The baby is calling me papa now....It warms my heart when she does that. She's a little cutey. I have told my lady and the 9 yr old, this is their house. They will always have a place to stay (the kids) as long as I have anything to say in the matter. Those kids deserve a better life.

Well, that's where I stand. It looks as if the cancer is still sleeping, that's cool, I can live with that.

NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!!! NEVER SURRENDER!!!!!!!!!

Not Doing Too Bad

Been feeling ok the past few days. Think I'm starting to come down with a cold. For the past day my nose has been stopped up and runny. Man, I hate summer colds.

I go in for another CT scan tomorrow morning. I am not looking forward to drinking that nasty stuff tonight.

Like I said in the last post, I'm starting up my comic collection again. I got a few from the bay and plan on visiting a comic store later today. I have to take the lady into the city for a docs appointment. I wish my town had a comic shop, but it don't. It's a small town.

Well, it's real early in the morning and I have not been to sleep yet.

Feeling good, except for the stopped up nose.

See ya's.

I'm A Hoarder

I feel ok today. For the last 2 weeks it has been hit or miss in how I feel. I don't think I am completely over that stomach crap, or the chemo is giving me the runs every other day. Other than the runs I have been feeling peachy.

Went and did my blood work at the DOC's office a few days ago. They told me I'm scheduled for another CT scan in 2 weeks. Apparently when they scanned me a couple weeks ago they only scanned my stomach. This time they are going to do the full thing chest, stomach, pelvis like normal. I'm hoping I get good news again. I have been trying to keep a positive attitude and fight this. My taste buds making food taste like crap is starting to get to me though and I am a little concerned about my weight.

The last 3 times I have been to the DOC they have weighed me each time, and each time it showed a loss. The last time it showed that I had lost 23 pounds in 3 weeks I think. My weight loss could be because I have had diarrhea for a couple weeks now and that stomach crap. I was not eating very much. Now I have my appetite back. I ate a huge plate of pasta and a Caesar salad for dinner tonight. My lady made sure I ate all that was on my plate, I didn't have a problem. It was very tasty for a change. I enjoyed this meal. I read that washing your mouth out with alcohol free mouthwash helps the metal taste that cancer patients get with chemo. I have not tried that yet, but will the next time something tastes shitty to me. So, that's how I have been doing. Not bad, but not fantastic either. Good in the cancer dept. though. Crappy in the stomach/plumbing dept. LOL.

Now I'm going to address the title of this post. I've added another thing to the list of things that I collect. Non-Sports cards. When I was a kid I collected Baseball Cards and have started that back up. I also collected Non-Sport card wrappers. I think they look pretty cool. So, I got a few Non-Sport card boxes with all of their packs of cards to display. I have gotten 4 of them so far. The Black Hole, Close Encounters Of The Third Kind, Dune and Jaws 2. I have them sitting on my self displayed like they would be in the store. It looks pretty cool. I plan on getting more. They ain't worth anything, so buying them off of the Bay is kinda cheap. I think I payed about 12.00 for each box so that's not bad. I like looking at them.

I still collect Vinyl and old video games. I am just going to go searching for them on the Bay or internet. If I see any at a flea market or garage sale I'll pick them up. I am not storing them away either. Now that I have taken that big table apart I have a bunch of room to display everything.....LOL.

Oh, almost forgot. I'm gonna start my comic collection back up too......LOL. Hence the title of this post. I'm a Hoarder!!!!!

I will finish On that note....hahahaha. Feeling pretty good today and probably will tomorrow as well. I am fighting this and with the Lords help we will prevail!!!!!

NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!!!!!!!   NEVER SURRENDER!!!!!!!

Feeling OK

I;m feeling ok today. Looks like I'm back on schedule. Didn't work last night, I slept. All night. Slept all day yesterday too. I'm getting real sick of food tasting like crap to me. I can't eat nothing.

I do not think I mentioned this, but the past couple weeks I have had alot of energy. Don't know why. Well that has subsided. No more energy, but, I did get alot of things done that needed to get done.

I opened the pool. Put everything together and it has been running for about a week now. The water had a green tint to it, I dumped some chlorine in there and now it's clean. I got some algaecide from the pool store, dumped that in there. Now the water is cloudy from all the dead algea. I talked to the pool guy, I'm gonna have him come out and vacume the bottom. It has a ton of leaves in it. So, the pool will be up to speed in about a week.

I moved the crap around in the basement and took apart that big table I built. The hard part is over now. I just have to order some boxes and crap and I will have a place to store my baseball cards when I start getting them...sweet.

Like I said. Been feeling ok. Still have a little stomach ache now and then. Boy, that stomach crap I had really sucked. It was painful as hell. Think of a real bad stomach ache that will not go away, even when you go number 2. I could not move, walk, anything. It sucked. I'm glad that it is almost gone. The DOC thinks the Tarceva I took daily caused it. He has since taken me off of it again. He's the DOC. I will do what he says. If it were not for him, I would not be here right now. I'm glad he moved my scan up to find out what was wrong with my stomach.

This food tasting like crap is starting to get the best of me. I can't stand it. I can not eat anything anymore. I made a pizza last night hoping it would taste ok.Not. Pissed me the fuck off. My lady made me some hambuger helper. That tasted ok. There was still a little metal aftertaste. But, I didn't tell her that. I can not enjoy my meals anymore. Eating was a big thing for me. I enjoyed it very much.....now it's more of a job than anything else. I can see why people in my position loose weight, why eat when it all tastes like shit. Candy and sweets still taste good but, I can't make a meal out of those. I'm finding it harder and harder to keep my weight on with food tasting like shit. The last 3 times I went to the DOC it showed a weight loss. I tired eating a Big Mac the other day.....shit. I used to love Big Macs. I forced them down.

Well, that's it for now. I gotta go to the store and pick up my MEDS. I'm never going to give up!!!!!

Good News!!!!

Got some good news on Monday. Due to me having this colitis crap my Doc decided to move my CT scan up to last Friday. That's when he found out I had colitis. The scan showed it. Went in for the cancer results on Monday.

NO GROWTH!!!!! Nothing really. The cancer is just hanging out. I can live with that. No new growth anywhere either. SWEET!!!!!!!!!!

Still Feeling Crappy

I got a colon infection. Colitis it's called. That;s why I have been feeling crappy for the last few days. Went into see the Doc Wed about it. He moved my CT scan up to that following Friday. Went in did that, and the scans showed my colon inflamed.

Whew, that's fine with me. I thought it was something to do with the cancer, but it's not. I'm glad my Doc moved the CT scan up. I get the cancer results tomorrow. I'm hoping for good results, I hope I hope.

Been feeling really shitty. Have a constant bad stomach ache and it makes me feel terrible. I don't feel like doing anything. That will explain this short post.

Hope I get Good News tomorrow.

Went To Chemo, Things are going Good

Went to Chemo yesterday. The DOC came in and said things are going good. My blood looks real good, I look real good. He asked my about any pain, my eating and bathroom breaks. I told him I have no pain anywhere, I'm eating normal and bathroom breaks are normal as well. He said that's sounds good. We are doing very well.

I did tell him of one concern I have, I have lost weight. In 2 weeks I have lost 13 pounds. I have been eating normal, but, have been drinking alot of liquids. Been thirstier than hell actually. He told me right now, It.s no cause for concern and we will keep an eye on it.

So, I'm lugging this pump around again. I hate it, but if it kills the cancer so be it.

Not felling very well today. Been up since 6am and have spent most of that time in the bathroom. I got the runs. Crap, I wanted to go into the city today too. So did the lady, she ain't gonna be happy when she gets up and I tell her. Oh well. It can't be helped. To tell you all the truth, I would much rather have this than be plugged up. That's for sure.

The DOC did tell me that we will take a CT scan in 4 weeks. Oh, I hope the results are good.

According to the DOC we are doing well, I can't help but think that more can be done. This sucks. The research and funding for this cancer is a joke. It is at the level Breast Cancer was 30 years ago. People need to be informed.

Well, that's about it. Feeling really crappy today, but It will pass.

I am never going to stop fighting!!!! I thank you all for your support.

NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  NEVER SURRENDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Buds Are Gone

Went to chemo last week, My taste buds are trashed again. Well, at least I had a couple days to enjoy them anyways. The Doc put me back on my daily chemo pill too. It didn't take that long for chemo this time. They did not give me the stuff that I had a reaction to last time. Still had to lug the pump home though. But, oh well, I am prepared to do anything except hurt somebody to beat this cancer.

The lady is starting to get on my nerves. She has been on this weight loss kick for a few years now and it's starting to get old. She got these fucking books she ordered off of the fucking TV and I swear this so called system is so fucking complicated. She wants my help and hell, I don't even understand some of the crap in there. She weighs herself everyday and if she gains a pound is upset, I and the fucking doctor have told her, her weight is going to fluctuate 4-5 pounds daily. Well, I'm getting sick of it.

Having to deal with cancer is one thing, having to deal with a neurotic girlfriend is another. If that ain't enough on top of the shit pile, she worries about the dam grand kids. I worry a little myself. That fucking mom they have. Every time we get the kids there is something wrong with the baby, cold, ear infection...etc. My lady doctors the baby up and she is in good shape when we send them back. This last time it just broke my heart. That little baby was weezing and caughing......man I got so pissed. I could hear and feel the little thing weeze when breathing when I held her. That dam bitch ain't watching and taking care of her kids. I'm pissed.

The lady has something planed to get the mom out of the picture. I don't know what, but I hope she does it soon before that fucking mom neglects her baby enough for it to die.

If anything happens to those kids.....I will make it a mission in my life to see that bitch executed, or sitting on death row.

The BUDS are Back!!!!!!!!

My taste buds are back!!!!!!! WooHoo!!!  I had a pizza last night it was fucking delicious!!!! Even water tastes good now. I can taste mushrooms, ham......man I been eating like a pig. Oh man, this is sweet. But, it is short lived. I go for chemo in 2 days. Well tomorrow actually. Today is Monday morning. Early Monday morning. I don't care. At least I was able to enjoy normal taste buds for a couple days.

I am hoping this little break did not give the cancer time to start growing again. The DOC said it wouldn't but, I'm skeptical. I have not had any pain or anything so that's a good sign. I have even noticed I have a little more energy though out the day. I am finally going to move the crap around in this basement today. I really want to start collecting baseball cards again. Not the new ones, the new ones suck and are too expensive. I am going to concentrate on the pre 1982 ones. I'm going to start to put together the Topps 1968 set. Then go from there.

Other than that, nothing new has happened lately. Been feeling normal. I have been kinda scared with this break and not taking chemo. I don't like just sitting around and not doing anything, knowing that this beast is inside me. I still do take Tumeric daily. I was mixing it with Vegetable juice, but I got some pills that I have been taking the past 2 months. I really think that stuff is helping.

I have been drinking alot of Mexican Coke Cola. They sell it at Walmart and Kroger. It is Coke made with real sugar and in a glass bottle! Oh man, nothing is better than drinking an ice cold Coke Cola out of a glass bottle. It tastes so good. If any of you have not tried it, I suggest you do. You will be surprised. I also found some Pepsi rollback in a glass bottle at Walmart. So, I did a little taste test. (remember The Pepsi Challenge?) Coke vs Pepsi. Coke got it hands down for me. The Pepsi was just too sweet.  Walmart is also selling Mountain Dew rollback in the glass bottles as well. I really like that stuff. It's really good, tastes alot better out of a glass bottle. If you would like to try the Mexican Coke, both Kroger and Walmart sell it in the Hispanic food aisle.

The lady and I have been getting the kids every weekend. We had them over Easter Break. What really burns me up is........when we got the kids, the baby was sicker than a dog. Had a really bad cold, ear infection. She had 3-4 different medicines that she had to take. Well, my lady doctored her up real good. By the time it was time for the kids to go back with their mother the little baby was fine. That was 2 weeks ago. We got the kids a couple days ago. My lady noticed the other night the baby had a fever. She gave her some medicine and she went back to sleep. Yesterday the little baby had a fever again......WTF!!! That dam mom ain't taking care of the baby or something. We get her healed up, give her to the mom, she gets sick again. I told that bitch if I find out she is neglecting those kids, and if anything happens to them....I'm gonna put her ass in jail. I'm pissed. Those kids deserve soooo much better. My lady told me tonight, the 9yr old has a bed kinda finally. The bitch mom went and got a new mattress for the boyfriend, and guess where the old one went. To the 9yr old. Now instead of sleeping on the couch, he is sleeping on a mattress on the floor. My lady says she is working on getting those kids and having the mom thrown in jail. I hope she hurries up and it works. Those kids deserve a better life.

Still Tastes Like Shit

It's been 3 weeks now since I have had any chemo drugs. My tastes buds are still outta wack!! This sucks. I feel ok, normal. No pain anywhere, and bathroom breaks are normal, so I'm good there. It's these dam taste buds. I can really only enjoy half of my meals, 1 day I will eat something it will be good, the next I'll eat something else and have to force it down because it tastes like crap. That can go from meal to meal as well, breakfast will be crappy, lunch good, dinner good...etc. It's not the same foods either. One day I could have an apple and it will be really good, the next day....crappy. The only constant is pizza. Pizza tastes like crap all the time. My favorite food......!!!! Eh, I still have steak, every time I have had a steak it has been good so that's ok I guess. I was really looking forward to getting some good pizza. Guess I am going to have to wait till I beat this, AND I AM GOING TO BEAT IT!!!!.

I have discovered doughnuts and coffee. Usually I would have a glass of milk with a few doughnuts, but the past 2-3 days I have been having them in the morning with my coffee. I would have to say I like doughnuts with coffee better than with milk. Don't know why it took me 40 freaking years to discover that little fact....LOL. So, I have been on a doughnut kick the past few days. I hope that will help me gain some of my weight back, that little loss had me kind of worried.

Well, that's about it for new stuff. Everything has been the same around here lately. The lawn guy has been here 2x so far. That dam grass is growing fast this year. I have been looking at my summer nemesis (the pool) it's in bad shape right now. I did not cover it last fall so there are a bunch of leaves in it and the water is green. It's going to take me at least a day to get that thing up and running. The lady has already started harping on me about it. I ain't gonna take it this year. If she starts to get on my nerves I'm just gonna tell her to be quiet, I'll do it when I'm ready. 

I figured not having chemo for a few weeks my energy levels would start to return to normal. They have not.
I'm still tired all the time. I have been having a real hard time falling to sleep. I'm tired so I go to bed. Then I lay there for 3-4 hours. I don't fall asleep. Think I'm gonna try that unisom crap. It sucks just laying there trying to sleep and then you don't.

I gotta take the lady into town today to see her quack doctor. Man I wish she would get a doc in town. She see's 3 doctors in the fucking city, 2 don't do crap for her. The only one she see's that is worth a crap is her foot doctor. The other 2 suck. She refuses to get doctors here in town. I bet if I made her drive herself to these dam doctors she would change her tune real quick. I love my lady, I ain't gonna do that. She goes through enough. She is constantly in pain, I wish there is something more I could do for her.

Something Ain't Right

Had a little problem at chemo today. When I go to chemo, they give me several different drugs, that's why it takes 7-8 hours. Most of the drugs are to counter act the side effects of the hard Cancer Killing drugs they give me towards the end of the treatment. Well, I was about 30 minutes into one of these drugs and the palms of my hands started to itch bad, I mean really bad. It was driving my crazy. I got up to go use the bathroom and wash my hands. Well came out of the john and all of a sudden I started to get really dizzy and started getting really hot, like I was in an oven.

I stood there for a sec to get my bearings and said to one of the nurses at the station nearby that I think something ain't right.  She took one look at me and jumped to her feet and came over to steady me and get me back to my room to sit down and then called an emergency over the loud speaker and to have all staff report to my room. I thought, Oh shit......I was sitting there burning up and looked at my arms and they were as red as a boiled lobster. I started to get scared. The head nurse showed up and immediately disconnected the chemo. The Doc showed up and they took my blood pressure the Doc told them to give me some stuff in my IV. My tongue started to feel kinda weird, like it was folding in half like a piece of paper. I could not speak. The DOC was concerned my breathing was affected and kept asking me if I could breath, I nodded and said yeah no problem. The took my blood pressure several times and were monitoring my heart rate, I was surrounded by nurses and the Doc there were at least 7 people in my little chemo room. I was getting scared. The DOC picked up on this and reassured me that everything was going to be ok. I had just had a reaction to one of the drugs they were giving me. He said this happens sometimes and too not be concerned. Just calm down and you are going to be ok. It took about 30-40 minutes before I started to feel normal, there were 3 nurses in there at all times watching me and kept asking how I was feeling. That made me feel really good and calmed me down having them there.

Well, after about an hour I was feeling normal, they had given me a saline drip with benadryl in it. The DOC came in and said that I had a classic reaction to this drug.....he named it but I forgot. He said that this happens sometimes, he said you could take the drug for awhile and then....poof, you get a reaction. He asked me If I had been sick with the flu and I said I am getting over a pretty bad cold, he said that is what probably triggered the reaction. He didn't have me do chemo today. He said he's giving me a break and to come back in 2 weeks. I asked him if that would give the cancer time to start growing again and he said no, you will be fine. Take a break.

So, I didn't get chemo today and I don't have that pump on me.....woohoo!!!!  I go back in 2 weeks. I have not had chemo now in 2 weeks, this next 2 weeks will make it a month since I had chemo. I am hoping my taste buds come back. The Doc mentioned that too. Oh, I hope hope. I would be happy if they come back just for a day. So, that's where I stand. Had a little scare today, but the Doc says that I am going to be fine and not to worry about it. That happens. He said my blood looked very good, and I look good. So, I'm cool. Looking forward to finally taste a good pizza for a change...I hope!

No Change

Well, nothing much going on around here. Work, sleep, eat, shit, work, eat, sleep shit. Samo, samo.

I was hoping that the chemo pill the doc took me off of was the one that is screwing with my taste buds and that my taste buds might go back to normal. No such luck. They took my weight a couple days ago when I went in for labs and it was 289.......lost again! Shit. That's 11 lbs. in 3 weeks. Crap! I hope that isn't a sign the cancer is kicking in. I have been eating like a pig since. Hopefully next week I'll have gained some weight.

We still have the kids. Their Easter was ok I guess. I was sleeping, I worked that night prior. My girl and I hid some plastic eggs in the house filled with change for the 8yr old to look for. He had fun I guess. The dinner was good.

I like having the little baby here, I think she likes me. Every time I walk in the room her little face just brightens up and she starts smiling and squealing and wants me to pick her up.  She can say no and ow now. So every time she does something it's either no, or ow.....LOL. My girl is going to go for full custody of these kids.....I am going to be behind her 100% and I hope she wins. I don't know what she has planned, but, by the sounds of some of the details it's pretty devious. The bum is still in the clink so he is out of the picture. Frankly I think that is a good place for him. Hell, he ain't never had a job. He has never taken care of himself..........shit, let the state do it.

My lady has told me of letters that he writes where he says he is going to sue the state, police, town, etc......for damages and he is going to have enough money to buy a house when he gets out for him and his kids........LOL, I want to ask the guy what has he been smoking....LOL. He's a fucking idiot. I want to tell the guy, the only way he is going to survive when he gets out is to find a fucking job and start to take care of himself.........the stupid fucker. He might still want to be a magician for private parties for all I know....LOL. The level of this guys stupidity amazes me. Honestly.

I have not had a cig since the 31st. Sunday night. I still constantly think about smoking though. I went and got a pack of smokes yesterday. While driving home I lit one up. Took 3 puffs and got this really nasty taste in my mouth. Worse than the metal chemo taste. I tossed the cig and the whole pack out of the window. Wasted 5 bucks....but, oh well. Looks like this stage of quitting is going to take. My lady is doing steller as far as I know. She has been smoke free for about 6 months now.

We been getting along ok. Still at each other throats because I am constantly here, lol. I do look forward to my chemo days where I am in the docs office for a few hours without her. But, that's just part of growing old with someone. I love her, that's all that matters.

I am at a constant vigil, I will fight, I will not give up. I stand here at the ready for anything.

NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!!!!  NEVER SURRENDER!!!!!!!!!

Happy Easter

Happy Easter everyone. I'm looking forward to the bird my wife is going to cook. I cant wait. Been feeling ok the past several days.

The Doc took me off my daily chemo pill for this week, he said he wants to see if that will affect my blood counts any better. Looks like my blood counts are not going up like they used too. I have been feeling fine, no pain anywhere or anything else. I did loose 6 pounds though. Got weighed 2 weeks ago and I was at 294, my normal is 300-298. Got weighed again a week later and it was the same, 294. The doc doesn't seem very concerned, hell, it is only 6 pounds and my wife has not been feeling very well and she did not do much cooking that week. I am going in for blood labs again in a few days, they will take my weight then.

We have the kids for Easter again this year. That did not surprise me. Out of around 6 grand from taxes, the mom is now broke again.

I have been feeling very tired the last few days and have no energy for anything. I am starting to get sick of not having the energy to do anything. I have recently decided that I want to start collecting baseball cards again and there are a few things that need to be done in the basement to store them. I have not had the energy to move the crap and take the table apart. It's frustrating. I hope this will pass, I may have to ask the doc if he can prescribe a steroid or something.

Other than that I have been feeling normal. My condition is still very serious, but the doc says I look great and we are doing real good. I'm going to beat this beast. I am going to make sure those kids have access to a loving stable home. I thank the Good Lord everyday for every sunrise he shows me. My family and friends and company I work for could not be more supportive. I am very thankful for that. If I were to have to worry about my job, or income, I don't think that I could take it.

April 1st will be 11 months since my diagnosis, my tumor has shrunk by 2 to 2 1/8 CM there are still spots on my liver but they have not grown. My last CT scan showed no new cancer and no growth in the tumor with possibly a little shrinkage the spots on my liver remain the same, no change. So, no new cancer, no growth and possible a little shrinkage = Great News! The doc is not letting up from chemo, we are hitting this thing hard. I feel great and am prepared for anything they throw at me.

I have had a relapse and am smoking again. Not alot, I smoke maybe 3-4 cigs a day. I'm not sure why I'm doing it. I'm fucked in the head or something. But I do know one day, I will not smoke anymore.

That's where I stand. I am not going anywhere. I'm here fighting and will continue to do so!!!

NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!!!  NEVER SURRENDER!!!!!

Good News

Got some good news yesterday. I received my CT scan results. The results showed no change in the spots on my liver, however the tumor in my pancreas shrank a little bit possibly. The reason I say possibly is due to the measurement point and slice they looked at. But the important thing is the results showed no growth and no spreading and possible shrinkage. Great News!!!!

The doc is very happy how things are going for me, he says my attitude could not be better and to keep doing what I'm doing. I had chemo yesterday, we are not letting up. The doc said I could have a few so I celebrated last night and got pretty drunk.

It felt real good letting off a little steam. I slept for 14 hours today, so I'm feeling pretty good. My lady couldn't be happier as well.

We have to stay on top of this beast, the doc told me yesterday of a guy that he is treating that 2 months ago his tumor shrank by 30%, but just 2 weeks later it started growing again, fast, so we can't let up.

I pray to the good lord everyday for strength, I feel that he has a plan for me. My friends and family could not be more supportive and I am very thankful they are with me. I am going to beat this beast, I will fight to my very last ounce of strength.

NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!!!   NEVER SURRENDER!!!!!!!!!!

Still Here

Still here and doing ok. Been feeling ok the past few days. Also been doing a lot of sleeping. Slept 30 hours last Sunday. Went to bed at 230 Sunday Morning, got out of bed at 0830 Monday Morning. Then took a nap that afternoon. This chemo is getting to me.

I can't eat anything without it tasting like crap. I get this horrible tin/metal aftertaste in my mouth when eating. I'm getting real sick of that. I know why people in my position usually loose weight now. Why eat when everything tastes like shit? But, I force it down. I ain't going to loose any weight. I think that's what is helping me a lot. The doctor says I am very strong. I think the weight is behind that a little.

I guess I was in pretty bad shape at the start of this. I asked the doc last week where we were going with the chemo, trying to kill the cancer so I can be rid of it, or just extending my life for a few months. He told me that the chemo is my friend, it is doing it's job and if I would not have started it when I did, I would not be here now.

The doc has been really happy with my progress, my last CT scan showed the cancer not growing and the spots on my liver shrinking. I am going for another CT scan next week and am very hopeful. The doc says if it's good news I may be able to take a break from chemo, he didn't say how long, but I hope it's long enough for me to get my taste buds back at least. If that's the case, I'm heading north. Going up north to get some good pizza, and see my parents. I wish I lived a little closer to them, but oh well. I have a very good job and have been told I will have it as long as I want. My company could not be working with me more. They are behind me 100% and helping me to beat this beast. I am going to WIN THIS WAR!!!!!!

I pray to the good lord above everyday for strength and thank him for the time that he has given me. I thank him for everyday I'm alive.

I can't wait to get back to work. Working from home was ok for the first couple weeks, now it sucks. I feel like a prisoner. But......it's not going to be forever, same with the taste buds......I am hoping I have this cancer on the ropes. My next scan will tell me. So guys, wish me luck.


NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!!!!  NEVER SURRENDER!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not Feeling Too Bad Today

Not Feeling too bad, just woke up. Gotta take the lady into the city today for a doctors appt.

Well, didn't do Chemo yesterday, my blood count was too low. The Doc said we will wait a week and let my body recover. My regular doc wasn't there yesterday. He's on a cruise.....LOL. I think if he would have been there I would have done Chemo. No biggie for me, I don't have that dam pump on me, so that's good.

Like I said, I have been feeling ok the last week or so. The only thing that has really bothered me are my taste buds. I can't eat alot of stuff due to the metal/tin after taste. It tastes horrible. I get the after taste with everything I drink. Everything. My little fridge down here is filled with about 20 different drinks from soda to juice to gatoraid and everything I have tried so far gives me an aftertaste. It sucks, I am going to have to deal with it until I beat this beast I guess.

Well, I gotta work tonight. Not looking forward to it. I am going to have to run her ass to the city real quick then get home here and try to take a nap.

Well, that's if for whats going on around here. I'm gonna go see if I can scare up some breakfast.

NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!!   NEVER SURRENDER!!!!!!!

Still Here

Still here. Not feeling to bad today. I got some sleep. Slept all night, got up to eat breakfast this morning at 6 and went back to bed. Ended getting up at 2. So, I got some sleep. The lady is still in bed, she ain't feeling that well I think. She has been worried about the kids. I told her not to let the bitch win, that's what the bitch wants.....but, it's hard for her. She cares deeply for those kids, and I don't blame her.

It looks as if we are going to have to take the bitch to court. Oh well. I don't care, we are gonna make that bitch pay the court costs and our lawyer fees. If it wasn't for her being a bitch, we would not have to go to court. We are gonna wait a little while, let her waste all of her tax money. That's evil, I know, but this bitch deserves it. We have a real solid case. The lady has a voice mail where the bitch says, "you or Joe, are never going to see these kids again" BTW, Joe is the jailbird father/husband.

I'm telling ya, this guy is a fucking idiot. He is worried about his paints and crap, because he is planning on selling paintings when he gets out......LOL. What a fucking stupid ass. He needs to get a real fucking job.....something this guy has never had and he is in his mid 30's I believe. He has never had a job, never. No wonder his bitch wife left him. If I was her, I wouldn't put up with the bum either.

Like I said, I'm feeling pretty good today. Don't know if 'm going to work tonight, I have chemo tomorrow at 8 am. That takes all day and then I'm pretty much toast when I get home. They have a bed in there so I can lay down and take a nap if I want. I just might do that.

Well, the lady's up. Gonna go see how she feels.

Same Same

Things are going ok. I feel fine, just tired as hell. Been sleeping a lot today and yesterday. I feel good actually, have the sniffles, but I've had those for awhile.

Well the bitch has stepped up and decided that she is going to be a mother to her children. She is not bringing the kids back here to live. We are going to get them on the weekends, which is how it should be. It don't bother me that much, I do miss the little baby, but we will see her come the weekend. Don't know what made the bitch change her mind. It's not that she missed her kids, hell she rarely came and got them. She didn't even come see her baby when it was her first birthday. I'm sure she has something planned. She did not take them kids back because she wanted them around her. There's a reason, it's probably got something to do with getting support money or something like that. I know money is in there somewhere. She is a greedy bitch. I don't care. That's less I have to worry about. The 8yr old knows that grandma and grandpa are here if he needs us. We ain't going anywhere. Those kids are always going to have a loving stable home as long as I'm alive. Period.

Took the lady to Chilli's the other night for dinner. For the price, I was not impressed. I had the steak and rib combo, Memphis dry rub on the ribs. They were good, nice and tender. I should have gotten wet BBQ sauce. The ribs were dry as a bone. They screwed up on my steak. I wanted it cooked medium rare. It came out burned to crisp and tough as shoe leather. I sent it back. I wasn't gonna pay for that shit. The wife had a full rack of ribs, they used the wrong sauce on hers and had to bring her another rack. They have these electronic touch screens there where you can play games for a price and view menu items and crap. You can also order desert. My wife wanted some desert, we ordered it on that electronic thingy. 10 minutes later she gets it. Talk about a wait. The waitress in back doing that thing gave my wifes desert to 2 different people that ordered the same thing. They jumped the line so to speak. I paid the bill through that thing as well. Kinda neat. I gave the waiter a 10 spot for a tip, he did a great job. He is the one who pointed out my steak, and was very apologetic even though it was not his fault. He offered to have the mgr adjust to bill to reflect our problems, I declined. I was satisfied, my wife was satisfied. I'm not a moocher. I pay for what I get. He did good with taking the food back and getting us new stuff, I'm sure the cook was maybe a little hard on him. He offered to have the bill looked at......no need. The waiter and the place did a good job. I'm more impressed with the customer service than the food. We will be going back one day.

I'm getting the regular ribs next time.....LOL. My wifes first set looked delicious.

Chemo Went OK

Chemo went ok yesterday. Boring as hell, but it was alright. Now I"m lugging this pump around with me for the next 2 days.

Went to the 8yr olds basketball practice last night. The bitch was there. She has changed her tune.I figured that would happen, just not this soon. She has had to wake the kid up and get him ready for school. I knew that would not go over to well. She has also realized that she would need to take the kids to see their father in the clink. Now, he's in the local jail now, but, he's gotta serve 8 years. I don't know if he will be able to do that in the jail that he is in or send him to prison. If they send him to prison, it better be close, if not he ain't getting no regular visits from his kids. I ain't gonna drive 100-200 miles each week. Maybe once a month, that"s it.

It's still not set in stone if the kids are moving back here or not. The lady has to call the bitch tonight. I'm pretty much figuring that they are.

I liked watching the kid practice. It was fun watching a bunch of 8 yr old kids run around not knowing what the fuck they were doing.....LOL. The bitch sat behind us on the bleachers and she had the baby with her. I turned around and smiled at the baby and that little cuties face just lit right up. She smiled really big and reached her arms out for me to take her, but I did not.

Those 2 kids deserve better than what they got. I have a really good idea the bitch is going to bring them back.

Hope so, I miss having them around. Especially the little baby.

Chemo Today

Doing ok today. Kinda tired, I have been up all night, but I slept all day yesterday. So, it evens out I think. I goto Chemo today, so I am hoping I get a room with a bed so I will be able to take a nap if I get too tired.

Well, the lady and the bitch had it out a couple days ago. I don't know what was said or anything, I was sleeping, but she came over and got the kids. She has had the kids now for 3 days. That's the longest she has had them since this thing started.

The lady talked to her yesterday I guess and she said she is keeping them. Well, that's good. They are her kids, she should take care of them. My lady and I are a little worried though that they will be mistreated. This bitch is only taking her kids to make my lady sad, that's it. It's not because she misses them or wants to be with them. That's fucked. This stupid bitch I guess told my lady that she had retained a lawyer and he told her that a grandparent does not have any rights to visitation or anything in this state. Ha, I hope she didn't pay that lawyer a lot because he does not know what the fuck he's saying. LOL.

The 8 yr. old has a basketball game tonight we plan on going to, if she takes him we will see her there and I'll ask if we can get the kids on the weekends. If this chick tries to prevent my lady from seeing her grand kids, she better be prepared to fight. I'll hit her with a court summons quicker than she can say I'm a slut. Period.

It only takes about 250 bucks to get a family attorney on retainer. That ain't crap. I'll pay it, take that bitch to court and make her let my lady see her grand kids. The fucking bitch.

I think this all boils down to, who can claim those kids on their taxes......LOL. That's it. I told the lady a few weeks ago, I could care less where that fucking money goes as long as it don't go to the bitch. Period. I mean come on, 1800 bucks. I think that's what the deduction is. Put 2 innocent kids through a world of pain and up end their world, pull them out of a stable home and basically scare the shit out of them all for 1800 lousy dollars. What a low class, fucking bitch. I always said you could take the bitch out of scum town, but she is still gonna be a scum bitch, simple as that.

I don't know how this is going to pan out actually. I am worried that she is going to mistreat and neglect those kids. But, the 8yr old ain't no dummy. We told him if he ever wanted to come to our house or see us to just call and we would be there or call the police. So........we will see I'll guess.

I just like the fact the fucking bitch is finally taking care of her own dam kids. If  find out though that she is allowing  just anybody to watch them while she is at work, some bum off of the street or drug user or anything and something happens to them........oh mama. I'll sue her ass in civil court for thousands, or make sure she goes to jail for child endangerment.

Nothing Better Happen To Those Kids.

Doing Good

Doing ok. Had an ingrown toenail taken care of a couple days ago. Didn't think it was that big of a deal, but showed it to my cancer doc and he wanted me to go in to see a foot doc.

It didn't hurt at all, it was just red. Now the numbing stuff is starting to wear off and it's hurting a little bit. Not bad.

Well, tomorrow is the lady's birthday. I already got her some stuff. She has always wanted this little dragon fly paper weight thing. It's a real dragon fly in cased in plastic. Got her that, and I am finally going to put some shelves up in the basement for her. Gonna do that tomorrow night while she is sleeping.

Been feeling kinda ok. I have been doing a lot of sleeping. I did not work yesterday because I was tired. I slept all day. I have been really tired lately. At first when I started on these new drugs I was not as tired, now it's getting worse. I am glad so far though that being tired is only a couple of the side effects I am getting from this chemo. The other ones are sores on my body and taste buds out of wack.

The sores I am getting kinda look like mosquito bites that you scratched to much. They don't hurt or itch or anything, just look bad. They make me look like a leper. I get them on my face and it sucks. I don't like to go anywhere then. They usually last a couple days then go away.

My birthday is in a couple days too, I told the lady not to get me anything. There isn't anything I want, well, except some truck tires....LOL. Told her just to make me a turkey dinner. That's good enough for me. I can't get over this hamburger soup she made a few days ago. Man, that stuff rocked! It was delicious. She made a whole crap load of it too, so she canned a bunch of it. It was some of the best soup I have ever had.I'm glad she made alot.

I got a couple good deals on the bay for some vinyl. They are in the mail now. I'll let all you guys in on it when they get here. Other than that, things have been going ok around here.

Oh, I do gotta mention this. This fucking burned me up. The baby had her first birthday last week on Jan 20th. She turned 1 year old. The fucking mother didn't even come to see her kid. She said she didn't have the gas. Do you believe that crap? Well, that's just one more reason those kids are living here. Me and my lady will love them and make sure that they are safe. Screw their worthless mother.

Records

I don't know if I have said this in the past, but I'm getting back into records. Vinyl that is. I never got out of it really. I was actively looking for vintage video games and systems and did acquire very many games and systems.

Sitting in my basement one day awhile ago listening to an album I noticed something. I did have a lot of games and systems on my shelves. About 10 different systems and a lot of games for each one. I had not touched them. I had not played any of  them at all, just sat them there after I got them to collect dust. On the other hand here I am listening to a record album and the box I tore open to get to it still sitting in front of me next to the stack of albums that I listened too the other day. It dawned on me then. Why am I collecting old video games? They're cool and they look pretty cool all on the shelf and unique, but I don't play them.

I decided to get back into actively collecting records again. I'm going to box up the video games break out the records and enjoy them. I never stopped listening to my vinyl. I'm re-arranging the basement in a few days for the lady's birthday. I'm going to finally put up her shelves for her large pantry. She has told me that she has always wanted a very large pantry. Well, I have given her half of the basement and that will be her pantry. It's gonna be huge. There are already lots of boxes and bags of dry goods and cans and stuff stacked on the floor on that side. She is going to have the shelves half full with just what is in there now. I don't care. As long as she is happy. I'm fine. I can always put up more shelves.

Took the lady and the kids out to dinner last night. We went to Ryans again. I am starting to get kinda sick of that place. The salad was good but everything else was just OK. The kids and the lady enjoyed it.

The 8yr old said something to me in the car when we were at the store waiting for the lady, he said "grand pa ya know, your the closest thing I have to a father" I told him that it is alright, I ain't going anywhere soon. This is sad, this kid knows that his parents are worthless. Ya, sure the dad is in jail now, but, when he was out he didn't do a dam thing for the kid. I've told this kid several times, he can always rely on my and his grand ma. We will never let him down, and he will always have a place to go, period. An 8yr old should not have to worry about crap like that. It's fucking pathetic. I wish his mom would just off herself, the kids would be better off I think.

Those kids are always going to have a home as long as I'm alive. Period. My lady is their mother. The one that claims she is, is just the owner of the cunt they crawled of.

Sill Here

It's been a few days. Well, 2013 ain't starting out that bad. The weather has been real nice. Cold, but no snow or ice. We had freezing rain a few nights ago, but it didn't ice up the roads none.

The lady made steaks a few nights ago, man they were great! That meat just melted in my mouth. That's one thing that my taste buds ain't screwed up on and that's steak.

Have not done much to the basement, I'm going to in a couple days. I have given half to the lady, so I'm gonna move my bar out into the garage and put shelves up in that part for her expanded pantry. Hell, there is a bunch of food out there now in bags and crap. That's gonna be one of her birthday surprises, those shelves. Both of our birthdays are coming up soon, I'm gonna tell her just to make me a turkey dinner with all the trimmings for mine. I don't need or want anything really, well, except some new tires for the truck. That's it.

Been feeling pretty good the last couple days. I have been really tired and have been doing a lot of sleeping. I went and saw the doc yesterday and he said that I look good and I am tolerating the chemo very well. I am very strong. That's good. He told me last week that the combination of drugs that I am on right now has never been tried before. I am hoping they work really good and knock this cancer on it's ass. It looks as if I will be going in for another CT scan in about a month and a half. I have to do 3 more chemo treatments first.

I pray to the good lord everyday that these drugs are killing the cancer inside of me. I thank him as well for sending me a sign to get in to get checked. We still have the kids.....I'm kinda thinking that's the reason the good lord sent me that sign. Wanted me to stay around and make sure those kids were taken care of right. My lady sure as hell can not do it by herself, and their mother simply wont. Period. It's sad too, they're good kids. They don't deserve that shit. I don't care. If the good lord wants me around to see that those kids have a good life......so be it. It's not the kids being here that bothers me, the kids don't bother me at all. It's the fact that the mother takes no responsibility for them at all. She don't give the lady a dime to watch them.....the chick is living with 2 guys, probably screwing them both. She does not worry about her kids at all. It can go weeks and she will not even call to check on them. That is what bothers me. She is taking advantage of us. We are doing it to make sure the kids are ok, their mom could give a shit about their well being honestly.

The lady is going to contact the state and get the investigation going. This woman has abandoned her kids and we are going to try and get her declared unfit. If that happens the state will place them with us and then we will get child support from her. I may even go for changing their last names to mine. Not sure yet.

First Day of 2013

Today was a good day. I feel really good no issues anywhere got some sleep and the lady made homemade pizza for supper, and it tasted good to me!!!!!!

I was at the grocery store getting some things and we had not decided on what to have for supper. I was walking around the store trying to think of something when she called me and suggested homemade pizza. I was heartbroken. My taste buds are screwed due to the Chemo drugs and all the pizza I have tried since I been taking them has tasted like crap to me. I told her this and she suggested that we try it out and if the pizza tastes like crap, she would make me french toast. I'm a sucker for her french toast. The pizza was great! I ate the whole thing....LOL. That brightened my day.

Like I said, today was a great day, I hope the rest of 2013 turns out like today did. Last year sucked.

It's 5 am here right now. I slept most of the day yesterday, the 1st. Took a nap last night for four hours and have been up since midnight. The lady has a doctors appt today in the city I gotta take her too and the kid goes back to school today. I ain't taking his ass to the bus stop, screw that shit. I don't want the kids here to begin with.

The next time I see the worthless mom, I'm telling her I'm charging her rent. 30 bucks a week for her kids to stay here, she is not giving the lady a dime to watch them.....so fuck it. She is going to pay me. It's not about the money with me. It's about her taking fucking responsibility for her fucking kids. Right now the lady is watching them, and the bitch can whore around and party and do anything she wants without worrying about them. Fuck that. She's giving me 120 bucks a month for that privilege. Period.

See right now the bitch thinks she is doing my lady a favor by "letting" my lady watch her fucking kids. I gotta turn that shit around. The bitch takes the fucking kids back......good. I'll CPS on her ass and get her declared unfit and make the bitch pay us child support.

The free ride is over. I can't wait to see the look on the bitches face when I drop the rent bomb on her.